This me I have become

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
My marriage to you is a mess. I realize that people change, marriages change, children change you. I get that. What I don't get is this constant aggression, anger, competition. You always have to be right, prove you're right, prove a point...you always have to win, be on top, and get the last word. I can't keep being your stomping ground. I am so tired of being your rag doll. I say something, and you immediately argue the other side of it, when I don't even want to argue. When did we stop having normal conversations?
When did it become okay for you to talk to me like I'm a piece of shit? Like I'm someone you pay to be your spouse? When did you get so arrogant? So hard-headed? So mean-spirited?
Thankfully, you aren't this way with our child. You have these reserves, somewhere in your tired heart, for our child. If you ever ever do to her what you do to me, I will be gone before you can blink.
You crush me with your words. But more so, you crush me with your silence. And what's worse, you know you are doing it. You have no problem shutting down and acting as though my words mean nothing-like our marriage means nothing.
I don't understand. What did I do? Stay with you the three previous times you tore my heart out, spit on it, and stomped out all the love inside of it? I accepted your apology each time, took you back into my arms, learned to trust you again.
This last time was different. A part of me will never trust you again. And now, after almost three years, I am seeing why I don't completely trust you: you will never love me like you used to-you will not have my best interests in mind when you do all the things you do.
I realize that we have a pattern: every year, around this time, you shut down, and shut me out. You become emotionless (0ther than anger) and our home becomes cold. I know it's because of your uncle's death. I know this. Yet...
I just can't handle it anymore. Every year, I can expect this? Every year, I can expect you to shut me out, shut me down, and push me away? For what?
In everything, I am the one person who has never pushed you away or denied you love. How can you forget this? How can this mean nothing?
I don't understand you. I don't understand me. Why do I continue to stay? Why do I keep praying that your heart will soften, that your words will soften, that you will let me love you and love me in return? Why?
If I leave, you will become an absolute prick. More than you are being now. And honestly, that doesn't scare me anymore. What??-Are you going to ignore me more than you do now? Are you going to make fun of me, taunt me, bait me, refuse to kiss me (but then ask for a blow job)???? How would that be any different than our marriage?
I want peace. I want explanations for your awful, hurtful behavior. I don't want an apology anymore, although I deserve one. I just want it to stop. I just want our slate to be wiped clean, and a promise of a new beginning as a couple, not as two people who co-exist in the same house, share the same bed.